Catch Up!
Hey Girl Hey!
Whatcha up to biotch? Did you enjoy your Columbus Day three-day weekend? Oh! Wait! You worked! I saw you on Regis and Kelly Lee while I was in bed on Monday at 9:25 am!!. It was glorious. You seem like an absolute gem to talk to on one of those shows. Speaking of which! My friend Xavier (some day I’ll tell you how we met – that is a story and a half… ok, not really – it’s just a story. Xavier was this guy from Atlanta who was working at Boston College while I went to Boston University. He lived in a hotel and went to the same neighborhood bar as my scabie-infested roommate and my scabie-infested roommate asked him to move in with us. I tell people he was homeless and my scabie-infested roomate saved him. It’s a lie. But it’s a lie for the sake of good story telling – you have to respect that, right?) Anyway… Xavier sent me this link of you – You! Helen Mirren! Playing beer pong on the Jimmy Fallon Show! I’ll be honest, you’re not that great. I, on the other hand, came in 16th place of 96 teams in the Annual Industry Beer Pong Tournament this year. Be impressed. Or don’t. Whatevs. Anyway – did you meet anyone on Jimmy’s staff named Matt*? He’s a writer there. We used to date in college when I lived in the scabie house. It was romantic as hell until summer came and I had to go home and pick broccoli for dinner salads**. Wow. I really hope no one reads these letters besides you.
Anywho, I had a fine weekend. Ate a lot meat on Friday night (apologies if you’re a vegetarian, but there’s nothing like a meal made completely out of pate, bone marrow and escargo… and 3 loaves of bread and 2 bottles of wine), went on a painfully hot run Sunday (thanks a lot belly full of meat and wine. p.s. LA Rock and Roll Marathon 10/24 – I plan on hitting the northern end of the reservoir around 8:15 if you want to make a sign or something…). I watched a Teen Mom marathon that afternoon and ate some vegetarian Indian food (but isn’t it all vegetarian?) to make up for Friday. On Sunday I got caught up on 90210 (holy shit, best written show on TV – you don’t think so?? You’re obvi smoking bad weed), had the best girls night in a long time (go ahead, google it). And then celebrated my 4 year friendship anniversary with my lady soul partner, Kara on Monday. Kara and I have this blog. I think I’ve told you about it, but I’m not sure if you’ve read it. No worries either way. I mean, it would be nice to have a celeb endorser. And we’d NEVER say anything bad about you (this wii nonsense, notwithstanding. you gotta admit it’s redic. you have a fucking academy award for pete’s sake.) I know you didn’t ask – but that was my weekend! Just in case someone else does read these letters (like my mother who will want this exact recap next time we talk, or Sam who deserves an excuse of what I did that kept me from calling him), there it is.
Hmm… I usually try to make these letters a bit more meaningful, but I haven’t done anything all that earth shattering lately. Oh! I know! I got a massage last week. It was exactly what I needed. Not relaxing at all – this guy beat the shit out of me. Not in a Chris Brown way – more in a… umm… in a guy who gives rough massages way? There were times it really hurt and I thought, “God, I should tell him that this really hurts,” but I didn’t. I would breathe a little heavier or twitch and hope that he would get the message. However, the message was, “this fucking hurts me,” and I think the moral of the story is that sometimes you have to say that. People aren’t just going to know that you’re in pain. They have their own lives. They’re cracking their own knuckles. They can’t spend all this energy listening to you breathe heavy and squirm on a table. If something hurts, you gotsta speak up.
So… speaking of which…
Helen. I haven’t heard from you in a while and it bothers me. I feel abandoned and ignored. I think you’re ignoring me, and frankly, it hurts.
That’s that. I’m not going to nag you about it. I just want you to know how I feel.
Till the next time…
xoxo
LL
*Name changed to protect the innocent
**events altered to protect… well… me.
My Journey to Becoming Helen Mirren's Biggest Fan 